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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in umbra_fish's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 8th, 2014
7:19 pm
Thoughts as I search for a new job
So I am no longer with my law firm. Now I am figuring out where my next step is, and finding myself feeling rather like the small and useless fish in a very big and very talented pool. Of fish. Who do law things. (Ok, bad analogy). So many potential career paths, but so many of them are littered with requirements that I can't measure up to - they want a clerkship, they want tip-top law school grades, they want references from tip-top people. And that got me thinking about hoops.

I spent my entire childhood jumping through hoops - I was very very good at it, but it consumed my life. I won accolades, prizes, got the best grades - but I was very often lonely and miserable. In college, my Dad made a point of telling me to spend more time doing things that made me happy, and my mom told me that I didn't have to worry about grades anymore. So I enjoyed college - I was finally free of the tyranny of accolades.

Since then, I have been much more careful about which hoops I jump through and why. But I've been learning that there's a price to be paid for that, too. I chose not to kill myself going for top grades in law school, and now my grades might prevent me from clerking, which might prevent me from going into law teaching, which people keep telling me that I would very likely enjoy a lot.

There are hoop-jumpers who are doing it doggedly in pursuit of a dream - and more power to them. There are also hoop-jumpers who are doing it out of fear; them I feel very sorry for, because I used to be one of them. I WISH there weren't barriers to career paths everywhere I looked. I wish I didn't feel like I had to move to somewhere remote in the country to have a chance at starting a job. I wish there was a point in life where someone would come and pat me on the back and say; you've done enough, you don't have to fight so hard anymore.

When do I just get to be myself? And what does that even entail?

I am sick of hoops and sick of the system that tells us to define ourselves by whatever hoops we've managed to jump through. I don't want to hoop-jump out of fear anymore.

SIGH.
Thursday, December 12th, 2013
10:56 am
The Bully Too Close to Home
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/10/the-bully-too-close-to-home/


I encourage you to read the linked article, about the mom who found herself snapping at her daughter constantly and bullying her, and how she managed to course-correct.

This resonated with me very deeply. I was, and still am, that eldest daughter– except my mother never learned to tell herself to stop. I’ve been going to therapy for some time to deal with my issues. This is me. I wish with all my heart my mom had realized this earlier. It’s seriously damaged me in ways I’m just starting to discover.

This article gave me some perspective on why this kind of thing happens. I don't think it forgives anything, at all; but it certainly sheds light on things. More than anything, I don’t want to do to my children (when I have them) what my mother did to me. Hopefully, this will give me the perspective to allow them to grow and blossom.
Friday, December 16th, 2011
1:45 pm
Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays
If you could solve one problem in the world, what would it be? One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]
How to turn corruption and greed into integrity and sharing.
Friday, November 5th, 2010
4:53 pm
OMFG
I did it! I PASSED THE BAR!

Current Mood: enthralled
Tuesday, October 26th, 2010
12:45 pm
This baby in a watermelon is eating a watermelon.
Your argument is rendered invalid.

12:14 pm
Nugget of Joy
Snarf. Cute makes everything better.




Current Mood: amused
Thursday, October 21st, 2010
2:33 pm
The 4-hour workweek
This was recommended to me by a co-worker in the office, and I started to read it. Some really interesting thoughts. Tries to challenge the "work 30 years in a boring job to save up for retirement" social construct by suggesting a pattern of work bursts and "mini-retirement" vacations. Now that I think about it, I don't want to save up all my adventuring for when I'm too old to be able to do it. The book also suggests really taking time to think "What do I REALLY want to do? Dream vacation? Take classes in tango in Brazil?" And then, mapping out the steps to making those things happen: like 1) do the research, or get in contact with someone who has done it before, and ask for advice, and 2) plan out how much time and money it will cost, and 3) figure out how to get that time and money put aside so you can do that thing. It's a life lesson in building the foundations under your castles in the air, I suppose.

Naturally, there's things in the book I don't agree with. And the author does tend to come off as a terrible douchebag at times. But he has a point. If you're going to start working seriously, you better know where you're going, or you can end up miserable very quickly. Food for thought, before I head into the law firm life.

I'm about halfway through the chapter on creating an automated revenue stream to get cash so you can free up your time to do cool stuff. It's like a crash course in entrepreneurship, something I know nothing about. Lifestyle design. Huh. Never thought about it, but it makes sense. If I want to live a certain way (like, be able to do cool creative and fun stuff and still do law), I've got to make it happen myself, because it's not going to fall into my lap.

Anyone else read this? Any thoughts?
Sunday, September 5th, 2010
10:26 pm
Oh dear god I can't stop laughing
It's called "LXD", and it's part of Hulu.com's summer offerings. It's about a "league of extraordinary dancers"- who may or may not be superheroes. Each vignette is narrated by someone who either is or really looks like the Tony award winner Ben Vereen, and he is ON THE EDGE OF TEARS for every intro. "We... were not ready... **WIBBLE**"


The dancers may or may not dance fight. It's kind of hard to tell. They also cannot act at all. The saving grace is 1) it's so bad, it's funny, and 2) the dance moves truly are just spectacular.

Might I recommend the one called "Robot Lovestory?" The evil dance organization does surgeries on a guy and forces him to do the robot. No dialogue, but it appears on screen in comic book font. It's like a music video without music. Or sense.

To whet your appetite, perhaps my favorite line: "CALL THE DARK NURSE!"

http://www.hulu.com/watch/158343/the-lxd-robot-lovestory

Current Mood: amused
Monday, June 28th, 2010
2:07 pm
Guess Who Won the Fun Lottery
Today: - Went to dentist, got two cavities drilled and filled.
- Have to go back to dentist to fix the bite tomorrow- the filling's too big and I can't really bite down on that side. Supremely annoying.
- One contact lens was defective enough that it was bothering me a lot. It popped out and fell on the floor. Had to take the other one out. Now watching Evidence BARBRI video half-blind. Have to pack the hell out of my apartment.

Tomorrow: - Then, I have to pack up my entire apartment.
Wednesday: - Moving day. Hope to high heaven it goes okay.
Thursday: - Root CANAL at a specialist b/c a nerve in another of my teeth is dying. And apparently there's a substantial bone infection up there, too. Which doesn't hurt, and the dentist only knew about it when it showed up on the x-ray. But will need antibiotics.

FUN. LOTTERY.

Current Mood: cranky
Sunday, June 27th, 2010
4:04 pm
The Last Weekend
I'm moving out on Wednesday. Trying not to think too much about it. Got a lot of packing to do, and i'm studying for BARBRI, too. Thanks for the words of support, everyone. Boy, this sucks, but I'll be glad when it's over. Oh, and I get to go to the dentist on Monday morning. yay.

Keep sending me good vibes, everyone! This is a tough summer. Not as bad as the summer I spent studying for quals (which I then failed); not as terrifying, but a bit more depressing.

It's so nice and sunny and warm. I wanna go outside and play! I miss summer camp. I wish I could go back to the old summer camp I used to go to, in the Sierra Nevadas. Gold Arrow Camp. Now THAT was the way to spend a summer. SIGH.

now back to property law. Curse and damn to hell the people who decided to call something a "vested remainder subject to complete defeasance, a/k/a a vested remainder subject to total divestment, except in NY it's called a remainder vested subject to complete defeasance." Seriously. FUCK YOU, property law. You and your feudalist medieval norman roots.

Current Mood: cranky
Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010
7:44 pm
STRESS
Moving at the same time as bar study = MAJOR STRESS. Considering that I want to scream, and break down crying, and that I've got so much to do, I've been really on top of the moving stuff. OH MY GOD I hate this. But I've got everything set for the move on June 30th. Moving to a nicer apartment in Gramercy.

I feel like I have three full-time jobs. I'm taking something to help me sleep tonight - that should help me get some good quality sleep and feel better.

Just have to calm down, do the work, calm down, and try not to eat tons of chocolate to make things better. I don't want to gain weight.


Seriously, this SUCKS.

Current Mood: stressed
Friday, June 18th, 2010
5:36 pm
Monday, May 24th, 2010
2:26 am
LOST Finale - my thoughts.
MY SYMBOLISMS. LET ME SHOW U THEMZ.

Cut for spoileriffic ranting.Collapse )

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010
11:48 am
Yay sleep
Certainly makes the world a better place, I must say. Law Revue show opens next week, w2hich is exciting. I should probably make sure I know my lines and choreography. Heh. If anyone's in NY and can make it, I highly encourage it - April 7 - 10 , 8PM, Tishman Auditorium, Vanderbilt Hall, 40 Washington Square South.

Now I've actually got some free time to catch up on reading for classes. Woot!

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010
12:02 am
Monday, March 15th, 2010
12:42 am
Alice in Wonderland: 3D: a rant in three dimensions.
(reproducing this from a comment I made to a friend's post.)

OH MY GOD I have words to say. WORDS. Just came home from seeing it and I am in a ranty mood. It's like Disney ate a gothic sandwich, with a dash of Tim Burton dressing, then brought up the mixture as cud from one of its four DEVIL STOMACHS. That was AiW - Mostly smelly, and we couldn't shake the feeling we've seen it before. And it certainly wasn't finished yet. It felt rushed into production - unpolished, and there to make tons of money.

They took what could have been a good idea, and as they developed it, they fleshed it out with marketable ideas, and kept it simple and straightforward for the coloring book tie-ins. There must be tons of marketable characters who we fall in love with! Morals must be shoved in our faces! Characters for action figures! Pretty, pretty dresses and makeup for the girls, dragons for the boys! Silly accents! Cute talking animals! And not one scrap of plot that hasn't been tried and tested in other movies! Oh, and get Christopher Lee to do the villain.

The recycling was so OBVIOUS at some points that I burst ought laughing. The White Queen's palace was a combination of Rivendell and Naboo and Lothlorien - they even put Alice in a FREAKING ELVEN OUTFIT. At TWO POINTS in the movie, Anne Hathaway's character makes a face because she smells something bad as she's maxing potions. SHE CAN SMELL HOW CRAPPY THE MOVIE IS FROM INSIDE IT.

Johnny Depp was an amusing diversion, but it was very difficult to understand a word he said, especially when he went SCOTTISH MAD CRUSH YE BLOODY ENGLISH URGHRGHAGFARKEN!

It was so absolutely predictable, so straightforward, that it got really annoying. Especially when the whole point seemed to be that nonconformism is good? THIS IS YOUR DESTINY! Then I shall do something else! THAT IS ALSO YOUR DESTINY! What if I don't want to be told what to do? THAT IS YOUR DESTINY TOO, SHUT UP NOW AND GO DEFEAT MINIBOSSES AND GET THE SWORD SO YOU CAN DEFEAT THE BIG BOSS LATER.

That said, I want a purring cat with Stephen Fry's voice. He can float around my room anytime he wants.

Current Mood: cranky
Friday, February 26th, 2010
7:12 pm
Snowed-In Rehab Weekend: Lost Marathon!
So since there's nothing else to do but stay inside and get better, I'm watching Lost from the beginning on Hulu. Never watched the show before. And I have to say this:

HOW HAVE I NOT BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW FOR SIX YEARS?

Oh my god, I love it. And it's even better once you've read the spoilers, and you're looking for clues (which I have). I'm up to Season 1, ep. 14. I'm not sure if I'm sleeping tonight. But already I'm seeing some MAJOR Utena parallels. Symbolism everywhere. People holding on to a memory, or to someone, that's holding them back. THERE'S EVEN A FSKING MIKI AND KOZUE. Episode 14, I nearly fell out of my chair when a bird smacked right into a window, just like in the Shiori episode. Kevin, I'mma need you to back me up on this.

Dude! I could have been talking about this show for SIX YEARS.

Current Mood: geeky
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010
10:22 pm
Possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Overheard just moments ago at a Subway sandwich place.

A very pretentious-looking New York hispter/actor type, pointing to the Subway drink cup. "What is this? A cup. And what came before it? The idea! That's god! God is the idea and we make god manifest in the physical world by creating the cup. It's my favorite philosophy - and my own, of course. We're all actors, God's the director, the world's a stage. And I've added my own personal twist--
(here he leaned in to his two friends, and lowered his voice to an excited whisper) the stars are the script."

I would have burst out laughing had I not been a foot from the man.



Current Mood: amused
Friday, December 4th, 2009
8:59 pm
STRESS
DAMN YOU, EXAMS

WHY MUST YOU HAUNT ME

AND WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SCARF DOWN COOKIES



(sigh)

Current Mood: stressed
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
12:54 pm
Crankypants again today
Sigh....

I feel like the wind's been knocked out of me, and it's not coming back for a while. It sucks. Of course, staying up until 4 or 5 every night isn't helping AT ALL, thank you VERY MUCH, VIDEOGAMES.

I feel all cut off from people. I feel lost and cranky and smelly and fat and friendless. Sigh...

Help me out, guys. Tell me to get some damn sleep, or send me a hug, or warm wishes. I hate to impose, but I'm feeling pretty low these days.

Thanks.

Current Mood: cranky
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